During my pregnancy I read about elimination communication and tucked away the approach while I prepared for my birth. It was just a few months later that I stumbled upon Montona Lower and Tom Linwood’s elimination communication journey with their daughter, Blue. One of the very first things I noticed was the relationship that they shared with Blue; I was absolutely captivated by how connected they were to their little girl. I wasn’t surprised to then see that Montana and Tom are empowering Blue in more ways than just EC— and that is something that my partner and I desire for our little girl too; for her to feel empowered in herself, her decisions, and in her relationships. We can begin to assist her in understanding what that means from as early as birth. Through EC, we can begin to teach her what it means to truly listen to her body; we can teach her that the sounds she makes and the way she moves her body holds just as much meaning as spoken word; and, we can begin to instill a deep sense of independence.
Elimination communication is a gentle, non-coercive way to respond to our babies desire to relieve themselves. Babies instinctually resist soiling themselves, their caregivers, and their bed, and they communicate their desire to relieve themselves through cues such as sounds and body language. These cues look different for every baby, but once we tune in and recognize them, we can guide our babies through the same pottying process that we do, from as early as birth!
In countries such as China, Vietnam, Korea, Japan and India, the practice of EC is the norm. When I heard that, I began to question why this wasn’t the norm in the United States also. Surely, it wasn’t because the diaper industry took over and created yet another product for babies that we just do not really need (ahem).
So, what did babies do before the diapers industry took over? Well, it’s different for many cultures, but often babies would often go outside or in a bucket/pan/container. Other options for diapering consisted of animal skins, moss, linens, leaves, and the like. China is actually known for its open-crotch pants that are designed to allow babies to relieve themselves without undressing. The US is one of the very few countries that teaches their kids to soil themselves, only to completely undo that teaching later. Through EC, we can teach our babies that there are many ways to relieve ourselves and that all are okay, but that using the toilet is the norm.
For us, it is important that we do not shame her for choosing to relieve herself in her diaper. We do not tell her that she’s had an “accident”, we do not make a disgust face, and we do not use negative verbiage like “ew” or “stinky” around her because we do not want her to feel like she’s made a mistake/done something wrong by relieving herself, or that relieving herself is gross. Our baby’s are always watching us, and even the slightest discomfort around it can be internalized. We simply just notice the action and dialogue around that. (I.e. “I noticed your diaper is wet. Lets get you into something dry.”)
On the flip side of that, we try not to praise or reward her either. This part is much harder for me because I want to clap and congratulate her with each relief — Who knew a baby potting would be so exciting! (Motherhood is so weird sometimes, friends. ). Even though celebrating her is not necessarily wrong, it’s important to us that Reverie will not associate normal bodily functions with mom and dad’s love and praise. More than that, we want her to be celebrated for who she is, and not for what she does.
How did I prepare for EC:
I prepped the supplies before Reverie was born because I initially planned to start right at birth. The supplies included cloth diapers, wipes, toilets that we could easily travel with, and tiny underwear. I purchased all my supplies under $75, which is almost unheard of. Typically you can get all the supplies for about $200 (average cost of diapers per year is $900), but I happened to stumble upon a brand new set of cloth diapers from a local goodwill for $8.
After she was born, we started using disposables and would change them as soon as we noticed a wet diaper so that she almost never felt moisture. We wanted her to know that feeling dry was the norm— not wet. I initially tried to start her with EC around five weeks old, and had successes on our first day, but I quickly realized that it was to much for me to take on. My focus at the time was breastfeeding and adjusting to a whole new life as a mama.
We started the use of cloth diapers when Reverie was about two months old. They were much more uncomfortable for her in the beginning because she could feel when she wet as soon as she relieved herself. With disposables, that wasn’t the case because they are designed to feel dry even when they are not. We then incorporated the toilet around four months old, and started by taking her to the bathroom with each transition. Our routine also included an hour of observation time, and this usually happened while we were outside. She wouldn’t wear anything during this time and would just potty wherever she was. I did this for about a week so that I could really observe her body language and sounds before, during, and after she’d relieve herself. This allowed me to begin to distinguish her potty cues from the other cues. Honestly, her cues are all very similar and there are many times that I cannot tell the difference— I only know through process of elimination (:P) or natural timing. This is the primary reason we are adding in sign and sounds associations, so that soon she will be able to communicate specific needs.
What EC looks like for us right now:
I think its important to note that there is no right way to do EC. If you are a working mama and baby is under the care of someone else, if you are a stay at home mama, or if you simply do not hand the bandwidth to do full-time— EC is still possible; you just do what you can. You can use disposables, cloth diapers, or even underwear. You can start when they are a newborn, four months old, or even at a year old. You can have them relieve themselves over the adult potty, a child-size potty, a container, or even outside. You can work on only catching poop, while never catching pee. What I’ve learned along the way is that babies are flexible, and its worth just letting them know from time-to-time that there is another way to relieve themselves.
Right now, we are doing EC full-time. We initially planned to do part-time; only taking her to the potty when we caught the signals for pooping because we have more time to get to the toilet in those moments (and she almost always would send an obvious “bearing-down” signal when she was ready to go). But, over the last few weeks, I’ve really tuned into her signals/natural timing and we’re catching a lot more than I had anticipated. With this new set of circumstances, I’ve set up three pottys in our common spaces around the house. One is in her bedroom where we spend a lot of our wake time; another is in the bathroom, and another outside. Having lots of toilets around the home allows her the opportunity to actually look at it and then signal to me that’s what she needs. Not to mention, when she’s ready to pee, we don’t have much notice, so it’s best if we don’t have to go very far. She spends most of her time with no clothes on and a cloth diaper on for easier access. I take her to the bathroom before and after every nap, before we transition to a new activity, when I go to the bathroom, and when she signals to me that she needs something (wakes from a nap, pops off breast during feeding, or fussy).
We are currently about a month into elimination communication and we have successfully established sound, word, and sign cues for the potty. Reverie has had many successes since starting; she is successfully relieving herself about five times a day; she has had many overnights with a dry diaper and many days only using a couple cloth diapers; and, she signals to me wherever we are (even on our morning walk/runs!) The average amount of cloth diapers per day is three, though, sometimes we go through them all (8). We still use disposables from time to time, but usually only when we know that there are extended periods of time where we may not be able to follow her cues (at night and during certain outings).
Right now, we spend a whole lot of time at the potty, but I believe that will change as we continue to understand each other better. Since starting, I’ve noticed that Reverie is generally more happy. Because of this, I can’t help but consider that many of the moments where she had been fussy but already ate, napped, and had a dry diaper, she was actually signaling to me that she was about to soil herself and didn’t want to.
I’d be remiss not to mention that we’ve had a change in our sleeping patterns since starting this journey. Reverie used to take four naps that were anywhere from thirty- ninety minutes long. Now, we have anywhere from three to five naps that are twenty to forty minutes long, with the occasional longer nap. Some of this may just be normal transitioning, but from my understanding (after reading about a study in the book “The Aware Baby”), a normal response to improved nurturing is a reduction in the hours of sleep a baby needs. Reverie has always woken up mid-nap, but I would usually nurse or pat her right back to sleep. Now that I have started tuning into her cues, I am realizing that her waking was a signal to me that she had to potty, and so I respond to those cues by taking her to the bathroom. She usually does not go back down after that mid-nap potty-break and our naps have been cut in half. The question then becomes, “Is a longer sleep window more important than her listening to her body, communicating to us, and then us responding to her?” Aka, nurturing her better. I don’t believe so. The more we send the message that we are listening and respecting what she has to say, the more she will communicate with us. And frankly, the shorter naps aren’t effecting her mood; she’s still an absolute delight to be around. If anything, they are cutting into “mama’s alone time”, but I am willing sacrifice some of that in the name of deeper connection, further understanding, a sense of independence, and respect of her body and her experience.
The associations we have created with the potty:
We chose a sound, sign, and a word association. When we take her to the potty, we let her sit there for several minutes. She will often cue to us right away if the initial cues and cries were meant for something else (nursing, change of scenery, wants to be held, tired, releasing stress). We are also teaching her the sign for “all done”, so that she can eventually sign to us that she is finished. Once she is on the potty, we make a “sssss” sound to signal peeing, and we make it again as she is actually peeing. We then use the hand sign for “potty”, while also repeating “shishi” (she-she) to her (the Japanese word for “urinating”). We will continue to use these signals until she is able to use them herself.