One of my favorite questions to regularly revisit as a parent and a caregiver is, “How do I know that my caregiving style is working?”
It’s become increasingly clear to me that this is a complex question and that there is no “one size fits all” answer.
My answer has evolved quite a bit over time, and I imagine it will continue to do so. Some of my current indicators that my parenting/caregiving style is working with a child are:
- The child feels safe in exploring and expressing the depths of their thoughts and emotions, without shame or fear.
- There is no hypocrisy in how I treat a child and how I want to be treated.
- The child feels safe and confident in exploring and problem-solving.
- The child feels safe and confident using regulation or co-regulation techniques.
- The child is motivated by their own unique values and interests. (In other words, they are intrinsically motivated.)
In essence, I know that my caregiving style is “working” when a child has a lack of shame in their humanness and feels safe pursuing what brings them closer to their sense of alignment and fulfillment.
Quite frankly, this is my life’s mission; to help children maintain a connection to what brings them closer to their own sense of fulfillment and help adults reconnect with their sense of fulfillment once they’ve become disconnected. This is important to me because I have spent much of my life not knowing myself, not knowing what inspires me, not knowing what truly brings me joy, and not knowing what I love to create in this world. Essentially, I have been immensely disconnected from what brings me the most happiness, and it has taken (at least) ten years of “reparenting” to connect with my most authentic sense of self again. My hope is that the children I care for do not have to work this hard to reparent themselves when they should be living a life of authenticity, love, and joy.
Throughout my journey of reparenting, I’ve spent a lot of time considering what pulls a child away from their own unique and authentic self in the first place. Some of the first few topics I landed on were praise, rewards, and punishments.
Throughout my research, I was surprised at how many studies indicated these approaches “worked” while others indicated they were pretty harmful. Eventually, I concluded that it is both, and. These approaches can both “work” and can be harmful.
With some forms of praise and rewards, there is a long-term cost to children, and the price is relatively large. So, knowing when and how to use praise is important. This article does an excellent job of encapsulating when and how to praise a child and also addresses some of the impacts of praise.
In Montessori, the spirit within a child (also known as their energetic impulse, drive, or intuition) that nudges a child to put energy into an environment or relationship, and learn, is called “Horme”. It is like willpower, except it is innate, irresistible, and unconscious.
When a child is praised and rewarded in specific ways, they lose track of their Horme. As they lose track of their horme, they also lose track of their sense of fulfillment, creativity, joy, and unique strengths.
Let me shed light on why and how this happens.
A child’s primary goal is to survive, and the best way they know how to do that is to behave in ways that get them the most attention. For some children, that means making room for the things that get them positive attention (other people’s values, needs, beliefs, and desires) and suppressing the things that bring them joy (their own values, needs, beliefs, and desires).
Children will absolutely bury any parts of themselves that they perceive will cause a disconnect if that means more attention because more attention = a higher likelihood of survival. Helllllllo, people pleasers.
I believe that our most significant ask as parents is to prepare ourselves for the possibility that our children will create and embrace different rules, values, and beliefs that are different than ours. It is then, and only then, that we can truly begin to nurture them in such a way that they remain connected to their most authentic essence. This is important if we want them to be adults who know who they are, what inspires them, what brings them joy, and what they love to create in this world.
Children are not our mini-me’s or a copy-and-paste version of ourselves. Nor are they here to fulfill all that we couldn’t accomplish in this lifetime. They are unique beings with their own motivations, and we must treat them as such.
What a tricky thing to do. I’ll be the first to admit that this hasn’t come naturally and is far more complicated than praising or not praising a child. However, considering how we complement our children is one small and impactful shift we can make.
I spent many of my first years with children using the traditional forms of praise such as “Good job,” “I like that,” and “You’re an amazing student.” I praised abilities and not efforts. I praised what I defined as “good” or “valuable” to me and didn’t acknowledge the good within their differences and failures. My praise was exaggerated and sometimes given for perfectly normal functions (like pottying, for example). I did this NOT because I wanted to manipulate them or because I didn’t care about them, but because I was genuinely excited when they hit their milestones.
I genuinely believe that’s why many parents use praise. There’s nothing more delightful and exciting than a child finally reaching a goal they have worked so hard at, even if it is peeing in the potty.
Regardless of how exciting these milestones can be, we must consider what message we’re sending within these celebrations. Just because we have good intentions doesn’t mean our impact is positive.
If children perceive our celebrations as evaluations of them, they will eventually measure their value and worth by what elicits others’ approval. Other people’s opinions, beliefs, and values will become more important than their own.
If we want to avoid that, we must notice what it means to unconditionally celebrate them.
The article I referenced above gives many effective ways of celebrating our children, but my personal favorite is “I notice” statements, which are sometimes followed up with a question.
Here are some examples:
“I noticed you used a lot of the color blue. Do you like the color blue?”
“I noticed that you were patiently waiting for your turn.”
“I noticed that seemed hard for you. Was it hard for you?”
“I noticed you went pee in the potty.”
Throughout my time with children, I’ve come to realize they don’t need my praises or prizes. What they actually need is for me to compassionately witness them and show interest in their experience. That means that instead of telling them what I like about them or sharing how I feel about what they are doing, I need to be asking them how it feels for them or if they like/dislike something and why.
That’s all for now. Thanks for being here.
With love,
Ashley
P.S. If you’re interested in reading more research about the impacts of various punishments and rewards, such as time-outs, consequences, taking away privileges, physical punishments, sticker charts, affections, praise, etc., this book has undoubtedly been one of the most influential books on my parenting and caregiving.