On Sunday evening, my friend Carrie held a cacao ceremony to welcome and celebrate the summer solstice. The theme was “Soul Remembrance.”
As I settled into her space, I noticed a tapestry on the floor that was decorated with butterflies.
If you’ve been following me for some time, then you know that my journey through motherhood has been saturated with butterfly symbolism. She’s been my primary guide for the last three years, and our life cycles have felt somewhat in sync.
I say somewhat because it was just four weeks ago that I sat in this very same space; the woman next to me shared with the group that she felt as if she were perpetually in the cocoon phase of life, always teetering on the edge of becoming the butterfly, but never fully transitioning.
I deeply resonated with her sentiment, as I had spent the better part of the last year yearning for the reassurance that I was on the precipice of such transformation.
As the ceremony unfolded, Carrie shared insights she had gathered from indigenous cultures about soul retrieval, “The process of reconnecting with our truest essence isn’t just about finding and integrating pieces of ourselves, but it is also about giving back the borrowed pieces of other people’s essence that we’ve been holding on to.”
The ceremony intended to do just that; return the borrowed fragments of other people’s essence to the highest divine energy and allow that divine energy to redistribute those pieces to their rightful owner.
Entrusting the divine to orchestrate someone’s soul retrieval instead of sending it to them directly is vital in honoring the sanctity of each person’s unique evolution. Premature retrieval of a soul essence could radically disrupt someone’s life journey.
Carrie then shared the significance of the butterfly tapestry, “When we reclaim fragments of our essence, they look like butterflies entering into our body.”
It was in that moment that I realized that this season was never really about becoming the butterfly. Rather, it’s been about becoming my truest and fullest Self by integrating my butterflies.
When I think about integrating my butterflies, I think of the transformative experiences and lessons that have shaped me throughout this lifetime, but especially these last three years.
I think about how I shifted into the role of Mother, not only for my daughter but for myself, my step-children, and the girls in my daycare— all without a road map or maternal figure to look to, share stories with, or relate to.
I think about how I awoke every day absolutely terrified that I’d never get to know my Self.
I think about the pressure of knowing that my liberation held the keys to the liberation for each and every generation to come.
I think about my quest for self-discovery and how I sifted through and carefully examined each rule, belief, judgment, and coping mechanism imprinted and woven into my being.
I think about the great un-doing that took place.
I think about the labyrinth I walked through with fiery determination.
I think about how I rebuilt that labyrinth and rewrote at least 30 years of scripts.
I think about how I did this in the midst of a pandemic.
I think about how I did this while my partner and I lost all financial stability and the beautiful school he spent his entire lifetime building.
I think about how I did this in the most treacherous custody battles.
And then,
I think about the woman that is rising from those trenches. And how I am so deeply moved by and in love with her.
Those trenches have sculpted me into a Woman, Fiance, Mother, and Holistic Integrations Coordinator who is deeply committed to crafting a life intricately intertwined with values of the essence and wonder.
I am heart-led and heartfelt.
My words are drenched with tenderness and encouragement. (Sweet girl,” “love,” “Of course, I am self-sabotaging,” and “Of course, I am having a hard time”)
Positive intent illuminates each one of my interactions.
I embrace my intensity, which is empowered by the potency of my voice and story.
I lead with curiosity and revel in the shades of grey that color paint the human experience.
I honor developmental differences and the need for rest.
Within all pursuits, I am highly attuned to the details and subtleties and liberated from the need to control them.
I exude grounded confidence in my own life experience.
I remain open, with “yes, and” resounding far more often than “yes, but.”
I am anchored into the present moment, understanding that my time here is precious and fleeting.
I am also acutely aware that I have forever and release the constraints of urgency and force.
I revere the wild impulses of my essence, honor the wisdom that lies within my instincts, and embrace the gentle whispers of my intuition.
I recognize shared humanness and uphold the principle that “practice makes progress.”
I choose courage over comfort.
I choose to run towards, not away from.
I indulge in vegetables (growth and development) and dessert (humor, joy, and celebration).
I practice falling and failing and wholeheartedly trust myself, my family, and my community to catch me when I do.
I am the usher for myself, these precious children, and the generations to come, connecting us to a life more rooted in love, reverence, and authenticity.
These last three years were both treacherous and necessary in creating that.